| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2007|09:23 am] |
| [ | music |
| | the mountain goats | ] |
I moved up to Ann Arbor on sunday and im just starting to feel settled, meaning i can walk to the bathroom in my undies with only a minor uproar from the housemates and my stuff isnt in suitcases anymore. I like it here, all the housemates seem really cool and easy to get along with, and the regulars come through at night to break things up.
It all still feels like college though, except with rent. Everything has this transient feeling to it, kind of a fuck it attitude. More apathetic or jaded or something, the right word isn't coming to me. Anyway, it doesn't feel like real life, it still just feels like college. I spent the afternoon over at Alana and Mark's love nest yesterday and actually had a lot of fun. I usually don't like hanging out with the two of them. They're get too cuddly and I feel like im intruding, but we had fun yesterday. Alana and I got kinda drunk on the porch, and then she made dinner and set a dish towel on fire.
I needed some good friend time with alana yesterday. it's tough to be at the in between phase, where youre friendly with people, but not actual friends yet, considering i just got out of that phase with the kenarden kids. It's a sucky, lonely stage to be in, and now i get to pay my dues all over again. i miss my friends from school, I miss my single and the juice options in lowry and the backgammon-scotch-tom waits trifecta and talking philosophy and themed dance parties and lacrosse ball golf. Nothing was compartmentalized there, we enjoyed the whole process of doing things and werent so strict about what we could do when, it was just what happened, happened. le sigh
On a financial note, I have a second day interview/training today with Clean Water Action, an environmentalist group, doing canvassing. liz and mark said that you meet some cool people and get some crazy stories along the way. All i know is I wont be working on quota, so I have $375 garaunteed in my hand every week, and I don't have to work weekends. I might fucking save money this summer. I will also have great legs by the end. |
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| an old poem |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|11:00 am] |
His features are dim
A voice warbles in and out
like radio static.
Sometimes it takes a few seconds
to even remember his name.
The name I once knew like a prayer.
Forgetful Eyes, forgetful Ears
more capricious than the steadfast nose.
Loyal like a bloodhound,
like an elephant,
it never forgets.
Must and cool night air.
The flashbulb ignights
illuminates the scene.
the thin red tie
the secondhand suit
the small closet
pushing us together
broken glass and cobwebs-
that house was abandoned,
but the Lost Boys reclaimed it-
clammy and anxious together,
taking short little breaths
gasp gasp gasp
The must.
The cool night air
My bloodhound nose seeks you out.
Primeval, uncivilized.
It never forgets what the eyes and ears are polite enough to leave behind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|09:05 am] |
I'm worried about the future of my magazine next semester. I don't know how much opportunity I'll have to work on it while im (hopefully) in morocco, and two of our writers are graduating. The writers we have left aren't too bad. Im not worried about kat, she's getting the tone down, even if its still a little too academic sounding, but shes a solid writer and that comes through. Plus, she gets her shit done when she says she will. Molly, however, has no concept of deadline and i dont know how to get through to her. There's a reason why we need to post articles everyday. People who read blogs expect a lot of new stuff, and when people don't turn in their articles, someone (usually me) has to throw something together last minute and its usually pretty shoddy or trivial. Molly has good tone, though, and she's interested. I can't afford to turn people away.
I still havent let go of the idea of going to print. maybe once every three months or something. I feel like with a printed version, we'd be able to take our time and turn out good, solid articles. Maybe get a sense of what it is we're actually doing here. With the blog, it all gets so convoluded and theres no real sense of coherency or purpose other than its all under the umbrella of 'sex'. so what? so what about sex?
I want to get the visibility up. Liz is going to seattle, molly's going to cleveland, paul's going to columbus, im going to ann arbor and chicago, kat's going to detroit. thats not a bad start. print out an ass ton of flyers, drop them off in record shops and bookstores. shows, art galleries. that kind of thing. One thing that would help is if we were ballsier, more controversial. I'd like to dig really deep into what we could potentially cover. theres a lot of stuff out there. I don't want to alienate people with too much of a slant in the actual writing-i want to present things fairly and do the topic (and the people associated with it) justice, but man, we could get into some deep dark underbelly stuff.
We shall see. |
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| the halfway point of spring break tally |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|10:42 am] |
reuban sandwiches: 2
miles run for the purpose of health and enlightenment: 0
people ive flaked out on: 3
pints of guinness: 8...?
hours at the kaderbeks: 6
poor decisions: 4
pages of kierkegaard read: 48 |
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| keeping the minutes |
[Feb. 23rd, 2007|12:39 am] |
item 1: There might be a four bedroom house in ann arbor in my future.
item 2: Head needs me to be a boss lady otherwise its going to flop over and die. It also needs direction. Cite: personal interview: Liz Miller
item 3: i should treat my body better. 4 ams were not part of the biological plan
item 4: note to self-do not write papers drunk on gin and squirt
item 5: a nice spring break home followed by a dose of IS monday is just what the good doctor (schweitzer) ordered |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|08:41 pm] |
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There has been an unsettling lack of ruckus this year. Updates following |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|11:14 pm] |
I had a sinking feeling about this semester before I even got back to school.
First semester was pretty rough. I was pretty lonely for most of it, and doubted a lot of the things and people i had relied on (including myself).
This semester looks like a meaner version of the last one. a lot of the things i liked aobut first semester will be gone, while the things that really made it difficult for me are still going strong. If i keep trying to do what i have been doing, going out and seeing people and coming home just crushed that they arent worth it, im going to lose my mind. its time to curl up with some scotch and a book and wait out the winter. |
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| the letter of the day is...B! |
[Dec. 12th, 2006|07:49 pm] |
1) backgammon
2) batman
3) bread
4) beer
5) bastille day
6) breaking things
7) burgundy wine
8) Battle Royale
9) burger king
10) barkers, carnival
11) backrubs
12)birthday parties
13) baby clothes
14) benign tumors
15) Best-of cds
16) burnouts
17) blasphemy
18) boisterous behavior
19) bad boys
20) Backyard Baseball Association, the
21) Benicio del Toro
22) benevolent dictatorships (compassionate facism is the wave of the future!)
23) Baby Beluga (the song)
24) bargain shopping
25) banter
B was a good letter, so i just let it flow baby!
Meanwhile, on the other side of town...
Someone left this comment on the HPV vax article i wrote for Head:
"As a Cervical Cancer survivor, I wanted to say thank you for posting this vital information. I was diagnosed 4 years ago and underwent a complete hysterectomy. I am older than most of your readers and had never heard of HPV, so didn't realize I was at risk. Unfortuntely, this meant I didn't feel the need to get a yearly pap test for a VERY long time. Please don't neglect yourselves as I did. Get those Pap Tests and the new vaccine!"
Even if Head died in the water tomorrow, I'll know that I had done good work. It feels good to do something that I'm this proud of. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2006|03:13 pm] |
Of course, of course, of course. Someone who laughs at my dopey jokes and who i can talk to and who makes me feel good about myself has to be leaving. He became one of my favorite people and a friend that i really value and i dont know what else. i'll never know.
I must have the worst relationship karma in the world. What the hell did i do in a past life? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|09:20 pm] |
"Cigarettes are food for the soul. When you're smoking you can actually watch yourself breathing, watch your soul getting out of your body and into your body. Two days ago I spoke in Barnes & Noble in Chelsea. I said that I wrote this book to rehabilitate smoking, and people just stopped laughing. People are willing to eat any bullshit and drink bad water; pollution doesn't bother them. But as soon as you take out a cigarette they act as if you're going to kill them. This is not true! All the shit that they put in the food, all these hormones and pesticides and what have you, the stress, the condition of life, all of that . . . Living kills you anyway."
"I love love-stories in general. I also love the idea of death, because I think that it is such a scandal that we have to die. We die for the same reason that a worm will die, or a cat will die, but with the difference that we are conscious of it. But the book is also about pleasure, from Sophia Loren, to smoke, to love — all of that. We are living in a world in which the notion of pleasure is completely rejected. As soon as you say smoke, they say cancer. You say eating, they say cholesterol. You say making love, they say AIDS. But before AIDS and cancer and cholesterol you had the pleasure of doing these things. I think this rejection of pleasure is the basis of much of the fanaticism we see now. People are frustrated from lack of pleasure. If they had pleasure, why would they go and kill other people? They wouldn't."
-Marjane Satrapi |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2006|09:34 pm] |
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Well, all of my friends are falling in love. Usually, im putting on a happy face, all the while stewing in my own jealousy and resentment right about now. I'm not jealous tho. Maybe i will be tomorrow, but i have my projects, i have my work, i have interesting people to talk to and sex without the strings. I can be selfish, i dont have to share with anyone, i can come first. It's nice to be unfettered like this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2006|07:07 am] |
Sometimes, when you think you've hit the bottom, the very bottom of how low you think your soul and senses could dip, theres a little extra room to sink into the muck.
Sometimes, when you've hit the bottom, you get lost, confused,
and you end up wallowing around in the dark,
waiting for your eyes to adjust,
waiting to get your bearings.
you see where you are, finally, and you just...break.
Its resnapping a badly mended bone so it can heal right again. it hurts. it hurts like hell, but itll be worth it. its moments like this, transitional moments, where i always cry. Maybe i need to be clean so i can grow back again. maybe im just a big softie at heart. All i know is that skin got peeled away tonight, and i saw how lost i really am, and how long that road is. And how a part of me is jealous of those ignorant bastards that dont have to walk it. Hey, but like bill said, there's a scraggly exodus of drunken philosopher hobos all cutting their teeth and feet on the same journey. sometimes we meet each other, by dumb luck or fate, and tell stories of green fields, angels, love, honesty, truth, all waiting at the end.
Im picturing the people that have Talked to me as little shining orbs floating around my head, good, unselfish people who recognize that i need them so i can do exactly what theyve done and are doing.
I've got the urge for going. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|12:10 pm] |
I had my first ever session of therapy today, with Ray, who i'm going to start seeing every monday. It was really interesting the whole opening yourself up to someone you don't know. an exercise in vulnerability so to speak. I really appreciate how slow and methodical it all is, going back to highschool and digging into why i think the way i think. It's a really nice change, a world apart from the fast paced hard living loud talking banter ive gotten used to. Just to be in a quiet room with someone softspoken was really relaxing.
He gave me a lot to think about, and a little exercise to do that (i dont know if this was intentional) pulls me back into that relaxed, quiet, objectively introspective space. Having even that little bit of structure is already helping pull me out of my own head from time to time. |
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| The Rx: |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|02:43 pm] |
Forgive yourself, indulge in what makes you unconditionally proud. Spend some time with the psychologist. Keep people around that give you energy, avoid those that suck it away. It's ok to drop off the face of the earth for a few weeks-it helps you find your bearings and come back to your center.
To cure the afternoon- a few cigarettes, some whiskey, and the movie Baraka |
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| its like charm threw up all over you |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|12:04 pm] |
the whirlwind cross country adventure has come full circle and im back in ohio. I missed boston and its people before we even left. seeing jordan again was great, she kept my face from exploding a couple of times. Jack is great too. A terrible influence, but a great guy. we stayed up till four last night talking and drinking gin. Then i proceeded to turn to sacha and go "what the fuck do you want??" in my sleep. I think i read an article about bundling last night too...huh
TWO IN THE PASTE:
cities
a hell of a car ride with a dear old friend
foliage
clam chowder
venezuelans
good liquor
indian food
golden chucks
public trans
ONE IN THE WASTE
realization/disappointment
having the only mixer left be milk
losing 2/3 of my taco bell meal
having smoking be bad for you
leaving
ps..ps..andrew might be coming end of january. what a champion! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|11:33 am] |
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? check out that mondo hair
2. How much cash do you have on you? hahahah about 12 cents
3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR? nuclear core
4. Favorite planet? mars, although im still pulling for little dark horse pluto
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? laura
6. What is your favourite ring tone on your phone? im a vibrate kinda girl
7. What shirt are you wearing? a black one with a white night scape on it
8. Do you label yourself? sometimes
9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing? no shoes, im a fuckin hippie
10. Bright or Dark Room. soft lighting
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? michelle is one tough girl, and cool as hell. the voice of reason
12. What does your watch look like? i dnt wear watches
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? walking?
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? donde esta?
15. Where is your nearest 7-11? fuck, uhhh cleveland?
16. What's a word that you say a lot? word
17.Who told you he/she loved you last? my mom
18. Last furry thing you touched? some weird tacky socks in the discount d-mart
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? liquor, caffeine, nicotine, pheramones
20. How many rolls of toilet paper do you currently have in the house? no house, the maintenance fairies take care of our bathroom needs
21. Favorite age you have been so far? five and 18
22. Your worst enemy? my hormones
23. What is your current desktop picture? a child dressed up like a pirate-thank you sacha for that one
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? ill bring it back-zach referring to the lighter he lent me
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? the money, superpowers are a double edged sword, whereas cash is always fun
26. Do you like someone? I like a lot of people
27. The last song you listened to? no woman no cry-covered by the fugees
28. What time of day were you born? 7 at night
29. What's your favorite number? 2, 44, infinity
30. Where did you live in 1987? des plaines, il. reppin
31. Are you jealous of anyone? kweller for her fufilling relationship, beautiful skin, and music collection; sacha for her legs and ability to put an outfit together; laura for her coolness; people who travel around and take big risks and havetheir shit figured out
32. Is anyone jealous of you? i dunno, who really knows that kind of thing?
33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? home 'sick' thinking what a beautiful day it was outside
34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? swear at it, kick it a little bit, shake it, and then bitch about it for 3 hours
35. Do you consider yourself kind? yeah, i try and take care of people as much as i can
36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? already have one, but i kind of want a cameo right below my neck in the back
37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? spanish
38. Would you move for the person you loved? love loved? in a hot second
39. Are you touchy feely? just for the reaction
40. What's your life motto?
change is constant
maintain perspective
the bunny tattoo
41. Name three things that you have on you at all times? usually my phone, swipey card, lighter, two hair ties, odds and ends that stay in my pockets
42. What's your favorite town/city? new buffalo, mi; strasbourg, france; chicago, boston, east village in new york
43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? 2 packs of camel wides for zach
44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? probably to jack
45. Can you change the oil on a car? a past life man.
46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? moved to philly, is turning into a grownup
47. How far back do you know about your ancestry? great great grandparents-working class orphans/immigrants from norway and denmark
48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? soup and prom and kitt
49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? legs from ballet are a little sore, and my bug bites are itchy
50. Have you been burned by love? more like a dull ache |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|03:24 pm] |
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clean as a whistle. emptied out by tequila. now its about focusing on focus |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|03:24 pm] |
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Well, so much for maintaining control...its about time that i just went for it though. if i get clobbered, i get clobbered, but at least i wont be a hypocrite. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|11:54 am] |
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All my shit is everywhere. i slept on a naked mattress on the floor last night. I saw nate, and the guy cut all of his pretty jewish hair off. I miss having everything kind of organized (my first glimpse of OCD). I dont like dorm showers, but i do like my scooby doo toothbrush from drugmart. I also help the maintenance guy catch a bat this morning. Will someone help me loft my fucking bed? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|01:59 pm] |
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I got a parking ticket on my birthday. fuckers. |
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